The Confounding Conundrum of the Condiment King!

Batman's silliest villain has a surprisingly interesting story.

Of all the throwaway side characters in "The Lego Batman Movie," he was A One to remember.

The Condiment King makes a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance--complete with ketchup and mustard guns that make a loud "splurt" sound--in "The Lego Batman Movie," as one of the Joker's minions.

It's a funny moment on its own, and it's even funnier for the Batman fans who know that this pest-o is an actual villain from the DC canon. At the time, I remember thinking it was a rare joke-on-a-joke that worked.

But the Condiment King is no mere joke-on-a-joke. The "Sultan of Sauce" is more like jokes cubed on jokes cubed, an intricate and seemingly infinite Russian nesting doll of knowing, self-referential winks, each layer gently elbowing those before and after it.

And when the jokes are all put together, the story of the "Prince of Pickles" forms an arc with an unexpected (and likely unintentional) air of tragedy--which is maybe the greatest joke of them all.

It turns out the Condiment King explains quite a bit about Gotham.

Universal Deconstruction

"Justice League," released last year, still doesn't seem to have the proper respect from either critics or audiences. I think this is because there is a fundamental misunderstanding of how it builds the DC Extended Universe mythology.

Therefore, I've decided to put together this Justice League/DCEU FAQ, which I hope is helpful.

So what's the deal with the Flash? How did he get his powers?

He was struck by lightning, and this gave him the ability to create a "layer of dimensional reality that seems to manipulate space-time." At least, that's the "abridged version." (These are real lines from the movie.)

Um, OK. And the suit? 

Batman Fallen

Has The World's Most Popular Superhero Become Obsolete?

Let's get this first out of the way: "Batman v. Superman" isn't as bad as you've heard.

I mean, everything you've heard about it is true. But you might find yourself enjoying it, moderately, in parts, like I did, after you've thrown out the convoluted plot like a gnarled wad of Christmas lights.

Director Zack Snyder's nihilistic tone has earned him legions of enemies eager to feast at his corpse--but at least that's something for the moviegoer to hold onto, a distinction from Hollywood blandness. It leaves a sour aftertaste, though. No more so than with what appears to be the titular character, Batman.

The Case for "Revenge of the Sith"

If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!

That paraphrased George W. Bush quote, inserted towards the end of "Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith," could sum up the feelings most Warsians have on the prequels as a whole. Having decided that those seven-some hours of cinema were most definitely not with them or their love of Star Wars, they've declared them to be a mortal enemy.

But, as Obi-Wan retorts, only the Sith deal in absolutes. And as we are not Sith, it is time we abandon wholesale judgement of the entire trilogy without nuance. It was, on the whole, a lifeless and frustrating saga. But it did have its moments and qualities--no more so than its final entry, "Revenge of the Sith."

Why Can't I Get Excited About the New Star Wars Movie?

We're mere hours away from the premiere of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens," the first movie in that franchise in 10 years and the first time an entry has been directed by someone other than George Lucas since "Return of the Jedi" premiered in 1983. Star Wars fans are more excited than they've been in nearly 15 years about the possibilities of a new entry in the series.

Honestly, to me, it's just another Wednesday.

As I've seem my nerd friends on Twitter geek out over TV spot after TV spot, or Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher's adorable press circuit interviews, all I can feel is...a bit of indifference.

How could this be? How come I can't summon barely anything more than a "meh" for one of the biggest cinematic events of this millennium? It's honestly a surprise to me. I want to explore a bit.

Calories

By Alex M. Parker

2015 Oscar Predictions

Best Picture:
BOYHOOD

Best Director:
LINKLATER

Best Actor:
KEATON

Best Actress:
MOORE

Best Supporting Actor:
SIMMONS

Best Supporting Actress:
ARQUETTE